Parallels

Just now, as I was cleaning up the kitchen in preparation for going to bed, I remembered something that happened on the way to the doctor the other day. Since I'm a veteran, I have to go to the nearest Veterans Administration hospital for my appointments, which is about 40 miles away. The most direct route is through a nature preserve, and the road is very straight and level.

About midway through the preserve, I spotted a silhouette a long way off. It was very early in the morning - just approaching dawn - and I could tell the silhouette wasn't a car because there were no headlights. As I neared the figure, I realized it was a deer. The doe was standing on the verge of the left lane and was facing in that direction. Her head was down; she was feeding. She raised her head when she sensed the vibration of my car, and looked at me. I braked, slowing down until she made up her mind which way she was going to go. When I was about 25 feet away, she turned entirely around and crossed both lanes of traffic, headed off to the right side of the road.

Taking the path of least resistance - in other words, the road better traveled - is the easy way out. There's less friction, less uncertainty, less strife in taking the normal path, making the expected choices.

I realized as I was doing the dishes that this is what I have done my entire life: I've taken the road others have expected of me. Somehow, if I've lived up to other's expectations, I've felt that I've done the right thing, that I've maintained the status quo. I've been living my life to please others, not myself.

Maintaining the status quo has gotten me where I am now. When the Navy ruled to give me a medical disability retirement, I didn't dispute it. I've always regretted that. I had only two years to go to retirement with full pay, which was the goal I'd set for myself. Fighting the Navy would have meant hiring a lawyer, going to Washington before a review board - bucking the system, and I was too tired and defeated to even consider it. I wish I had, because I've been treading water ever since.

There's been a lot of water under the bridge since then (gee, I'm good at the naval metaphors, aren't I?) but every time a divergent path has opened up, I've always taken the expected route. I've been thinking about taking a part-time job recently, to supplement my disability income. My disability pay is more than enough to cover our few bills, but not enough to travel with, which is what I had hoped to do when I retired. I could only work part-time (I'm not even sure I can do that much) since I can't stand for long periods and am limited as to how far I can walk, but I thought I could take a job as a cashier at the local grocery store. It would only be minimum wage, but it would be a little extra, anyway.

I realized it tonight - that's the expected path. That's the path my mother and father would have recommended, if they were here. That's the path they recommended way back when I was poised to go to college, when they talked me out of an English major/journalism minor and I ended up going to nursing school instead.

I've been second-guessing myself for so long now, I instinctively choose the better-traveled path, unlike the intrepid deer, who took the more challenging and dangerous path.

I loved my mother and father and always try to honor their memory, but maybe that's what I have to do, to be the writer I've always dreamed of being - emulate the deer.